TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from spot. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let's have A further position in which American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give All people a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that he ought to halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You understand, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from Room, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following finding the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting notice from Global traders, such as:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge in which my PTSD may have switch-down service."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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